Stepping back, How do you truly see yourself?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."  ~Erma Bombeck
"I used everything you gave me"? What would "everything you gave me" be exactly? Where do you truly find and embrace the gift you hold within you?  What I find amazing is how we as humans can live life without truly knowing if we are living or existing. This year has had many turns and twists for me. From situations, people I've met, people who are in our lives, family, friends, work and truly understanding myself as a "whole person".
I can say that my life has been an interesting journey. I didn't know then, what I know now. We take a path in our lives that we don't seem to understand at the time, but know that its where we are. Thinking about nothing just living the moment, to thinking about your past, present, and future (if you can even see it at times). I always knew that I had a gift to embrace the positive potential in others, and had an open heart for what they may be going through. There was nothing I wouldn't do to ensure I could help them. Even if it meant that I was getting used to feed their selfishness. I would get hurt over and over and just didn't get it.  I have also hurt others as well in the process. I am sorry and have asked Our Lord and savior for forgiveness, but I still felt this emptiness inside that no matter what, it  wouldn't or  couldn't get filled. I now understand why? See even though I had the talent to talk to other "network" I truly could never really embrace it. Just as it would come into my life it would leave or I would find reason for it not to exist. I would pray over and over not understanding how by helping others I was still feeling helpless, sad, and lonely. Filling their pain with happiness was like putting a dagger in my own heart (I couldn't fill my own pain). I had pains I could not set free. I had sadness, that I allowed to control me. Tears would roll down my face and the darkness of the night would embrace my whole being. Even though I believed that things would get better, I'm my heart I felt like "is this it"? Is this the way my life was going to be? I help others, I love unconditional, I put my self last and go out of my way to be the better person, and yet the pain is so easily inflicted into my heart, the words that are used to talk to me scar my heart like razors cutting through flesh, My stomach aches as if a freight train has hit it head on, My mind begins to drift in thoughts of non existence. I could never imagine my life outside this darkness. I would pray, pray hard make my self believe that it would one day get better. It was so hard to focus on the positive or the faith of God, when all darkness would befriend me and convinced me to walk its path. It made me feel like walking alone was the company I would have. To give up on the beliefs and values I had. That they should  just be thrown out the door.
As I look back, from this moment and time in my life I appreciate the way my life was (even if it was lonely, sad and ugly at time) You see, god does not give you more that you can handle. He truly listens to his children every word every thought, every feeling that lies deep in your heart. He has a great plan for us, greater that we can or could ever imagine. Through the trials and tribulations we have, where we are at our weakest, he is strongest. Our faith in him is tested daily through our own free will. He harvests us into the man or women we are to become. He gets us ready for the biggest role of our lives. He foresees what will happen. Its been written, envisioned and done! He has done all the work for us, we just have to truly accept him in our hearts, see that he speaks to us in ways that are not seen, but felt. It sometimes takes something major that has effected/impacted us in a huge way to realize that he is talking to us, "just as he giveth he taketh". On April 21, 2011 The Lord took my life and shook me to see realize the path I have been avoiding to take was my calling. My love for people and seeing the goodness through the evil, was my gift to serve him through helping others. To unite and find those that have been lost (starting with me). But, I couldn't begin my journey until I had found myself and until I truly trusted in his plans for me. I became and ordained Minister June 2. 2011. This was a moment in which I left my old life to lead and guide in my new journey. When i gave up on myself, I turn to others to lift me from my falls. Sometimes I was alone and other times someone was there. (positive or negative influence). April 21, I turned and completely relied on Him!(he never left me) My life has changed in ways i never thought possible. I have seen prayers, requests, dreams, wants, visions come to life through him. Through him all things are possible, if you just let him love and guide you. I am living in unconditional happiness. I lead every moment of my life through him with him. He is my guide. Let me tell you this, you are the only one that can keep your self from living your dreams, having your wants, experiencing lifes paths, and being extremely happy! You complete yourself (your whole person) through him, to be happy. Everything and everyone else adds to your happiness. When you were born, your were born with him by your side. When you die, You will die with him by your side. He wants to love you, let him love you. He suffered the worst painful death any human can go through for us, for our sins. Today look forward not backwards. Detach yourself from the people, things, ideas or situations that are not healthy or add sadness in your life. Step into the light and begin your journey of everlasting happiness. Enjoy the gifts in which you have with in you. My prayers are with each of you!
Embrace his love and let his light guide you!
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